Jaideep Sen tells you how to get high for cheap in these low times.
If sparkling morning breath, like primroses filled with dew, is what you’re after, flip to the Consume section. What you’re about to read here is not the stuff of misty hints and morning glory. Pray, pristine white pupils? Fat chance. It is, in fact, the deferral of moral purity, the glut of degenerative abuse, and the scourge of late-hour ribaldry that the indulgences here imply. If you have at some point subscribed to substances such as the ones mentioned here, you’ll know well enough. Blistering bleary-eyes and leaden aches apart, the way you will end up, certifiably, is reeking like a brewery.
This is the laudanum of the masses, the plebeian tincture to an incurable lure of Bacchus, the miserable precinct of the moneyless Dionysian faithful. The kind of inebriant that, from the moment a bottle’s crown is unscrewed, floods the nostrils with vile, acrid fumes. And, when consumed, churns the entrails like battery-acid circulating in one’s systema digestorium. That said, this isn’t the hooch that’s now a concern for the Election Commission, to be included as part of their seizures meant, as they say, “for enticing voters ahead of Lok Sabha elections”. This is legal liquor, and indeed brings in the bulk of the Excise Department’s revenue.
So let the accordant rambling of a cross-eyed strabismus commence. Bladder afire: aye. Clayey liver: aha. Blackouts (not power cuts nitwit, more like lights out upstairs): uh-huh. Bloodshot eyes: in spades. Nausea: yup. Puffy face: billowing. Regular zones of such symptomatic assortments: the local dive, wine shop or bar. Preferred mode of dilution (for all liquors): water. Preferred manner of consumption: standing.
The assumed norm begins at the dimly-lit counter that’s crowded not by customers looking for takeaway alcohol, as much as it’s thronged by gulpers standing around, almost guarding their measures, furtively eyeing the racks of displays, spasmodically reaching out to the helpings of salty mixture or roasted and spiced peanuts laid out in front of them on ripped squares of newspaper. You sidle up (try, a bit irately), and bark at the barkeep, “wondu (one) quarter”. Meek patience here is not a virtue.
A washed glass, still dripping with water droplets, is slammed in front of you (the glasses aren’t slid; there’s no space, and this isn’t the Wild West), and you’re given room to mutter breathlessly under the din of slurry conversations and Kannada film music tooting from a set of crummy speakers. Being foresightedly prudent about the caustic side-effects, you’d do well to ask for some lime, which, if you’re lucky, will be accompanied by salted onion slices. At the best of such institutions, there are always a few dabs of pickle (mango or gooseberry) to be had as well.
Now taste the elixir of the commons like you were sampling territorial tequila: a bite of the onion slice, and the first wash down, quickly followed by a taste of the pickle. Beware the vulgar signs of affectation among members disgorging their innards; it is best you remain aloof, and soak in (the gradually hazy) sights of plurality. Proceed to belch distastefully, now you’re a part of the multitude.
As part of a new drive to crackdown on the distribution and consumption of illegal liquor, the Election Commission has announced that it will reward “informers” who tip them off on transportation of liquor consignments. You can contact the office of MN Vidyashankar, the Chief Electoral Officer of Karnataka, at DPAR (Elections), Old KGID Building Annexe, Dr BR Ambedkar Veedhi (2286-4401; fax 2286-9322). The official website of the state’s Chief Election Officer is www.ceokarnataka.kar.nic.in. For more information on the state’s revenue department, visit www.revdept.kar.nic.in The official website of the state election commission is at www.karsec.gov.in.
Half-nips at the bud
A pick of the city’s cheapest liquor.
Super Jack BrandyRs 38.46
180 ml, 42.8 per cent V/V, 75 per cent proof; bottled in glass.
Produce of SPR Group, Mysore Road, Manchenayakanahalli Village, Bidadi, Ramanagara (Toll free: 0811-3326773). sprgroupholdings@gmail.com .
Characteristics Sharp taste, extreme pungency; hangover like a landslide.
Old Tavern WhiskyRs 59.71
180 ml, 42.8 per cent V/V, 75 per cent proof; packaged in Tetra Pak.
Produce of United Spirits, Kumbalgodu (1800-425-2433).
Characteristics Burning taste, extreme pungency; hangover like a steam roller.
Magic XXX Rum Rs 38.47
180 ml, 42.8 per cent V/V, 75 per cent proof; bottled in glass.
Produce of Shashi Distilleries, 9th Mile Stone, Bannerghatta Road (Toll free: 1800-4252501). shashimagic@yahoo.co.in .
Characteristics Biting taste, extreme pungency; hangover like a bull.
Our Choice WhiskyRs 32.76 180 ml, 42.8 per cent V/V, 75 per cent proof; bottled in glass.
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